You write the script for how others treat you. Treat yourself with respect and kindness, expect respect and kindness. Treat yourself with love and compassion, love and compassion will be the way others treat you.
The people in your life are following your lead. They’re acting, behaving, and relating to you according to the rules you set. Here’s an example. I had a client who was so frustrated because she kept dating “the same type of guy.” She couldn’t understand why she was constantly mistreated and taken advantage of. In a gentle way (well, maybe not so gentle because I wanted to shake her up a little), I said: “You keep attracting the same type of person because you keep bringing the same YOU along with the same rules into every relationship!”
First came the anger, then the slow realization that it was true.
Why do we do this and why would we keep creating what we don’t want?
To start with, it’s familiar. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s good or right for you, it’s just familiar. Maybe that treatment reinforces your belief that you’re not lovable, reminds you of one or both of your parents, or reinforces your belief that you’ll never find the love you crave… and you know how we always want to prove ourselves right!
Next, it’s a habit. You may have been acting the same way for so long, it’s no longer something you’re even conscious of. Sure, you may have been aware of it at the beginning, but over time, just like anything you’ve done so often, it becomes something you no longer consciously think about. It’s a deeply ingrained way of behaving and unfortunately, it’s only taking you further away from what you want.
Finally, there may be lots of fear around changing this.
What’s that all about?
Change is scary, unsettling and uncertain. It unearths what you’ve been carefully crafting to keep your vulnerability and fears hidden. Think about it. It’s easier to get angry and upset that you haven’t found true love than face a real fear around an untrue belief like, “What if I open up, become vulnerable and then I’m rejected?” “What if I let the real me be seen and the real me isn’t loved back?”
Of course that’s crazy, but it’s that kind of talk that we’ve been telling ourselves and it’s the talk we may have slowly begun to believe.
So can you change this? Of course you can. Here’s what happened with my client.
Sure enough, she made some changes to her core beliefs about herself, revamped some old thinking, gained some confidence… and a different and updated version of her showed up. You know what happened next, right? A guy worthy and deserving of her higher version of herself showed up too, and she’s now in a loving, fulfilling relationship (now, this didn’t happen immediately by any means, but once new beliefs take hold, everything slowly begins to change).
This works with every relationship you have, by the way. With your partner, coworkers, kids and all within your care and reach. Write a new script and watch those relationships change.
Is there a relationship where the rules need to be changed? Where you wrote a script that needs to be tweaked or rewritten? We’d love to know, comment and share!
Photo from here, with thanks.